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01-16-2005, 12:17 AM
Deity Survey:
To Help Us Better Serve You
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
____ Newspaper
____ Bible
____ Torah
____ Koran
____ Television
____ Book of Mormon
____ Divine Inspiration
____ Dead Sea Scrolls
____ Near Death Experience
____ Near Life Experience
____ National Public Radio
____ Tabloid
____ Burning Shrubbery
____ Alcohol/Drugs
____ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
____ Jehovah
____ Jesus
____ Krishna
____ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
____ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
____ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
____ Allah
____ Satan
____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
____ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
____ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
____ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
____ Yes
____ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
____ Not eternal
____ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
____ Not omniscient
____ Not omnipotent
____ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
____ Permits sex outside of marriage
____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
____ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
____ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
____ Looks after life other than that on Earth
____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
____ Requires burnt offerings
____ Requires virgin sacrifice
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
____ Indoctrinated by parents
____ Needed a reason to live
____ Indoctrinated by society
____ Needed focus in whom to despise
____ Needed focus in whom to love
____ Imaginary friend grew up
____ Hate to think for myself
____ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
____ Fear of death
____ Wanted to piss off parents
____ Wanted to please parents
____ Needed a day away from school or work
____ Like organ music
____ Need to feel morally superior
____ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
____ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
____ Shit was falling out of the sky
____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
____ Baal
____ The Almighty Dollar
____ Left Wing Liberalism
____ The Radical Right
____ Amon Ra
____ Beelzebub
____ Bill Gates
____ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
____ The Great Spirit
____ The Great Pumpkin
____ The Sun
____ The Moon
____ The Force
____ The Goa'uld
____ Cameron Diaz
____ Elvis
____ A burning shrub
____ Psychiatry
____ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
____ Tarot
____ Lottery
____ Astrology
____ Television
____ Fortune cookies
____ Ann Landers
____ Psychic Friends Network
____ Dianetics
____ Palmistry
____ Playboy and/or Playgirl
____ Self-help books
____ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
____ Biorhythms
____ Alcohol
____ Ayn Rand
____ Marijuana
____ Tea Leaves
____ Message Boards
____ Amway
____ Scientology
____ CompuServe
____ Mantras
____ Jimmy Swaggart
____ Crystals
____ Human sacrifice
____ Pyramids
____ Wandering around a desert
____ Insurance policies
____ Burning shrubbery
____ Barney T.B.P.D.
____ Barney Fife
____ None
____ Other:_____________________
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer? Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following
(1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His/Its followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf.
Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
____ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul.
____ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money.
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
To Help Us Better Serve You
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
____ Newspaper
____ Bible
____ Torah
____ Koran
____ Television
____ Book of Mormon
____ Divine Inspiration
____ Dead Sea Scrolls
____ Near Death Experience
____ Near Life Experience
____ National Public Radio
____ Tabloid
____ Burning Shrubbery
____ Alcohol/Drugs
____ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
____ Jehovah
____ Jesus
____ Krishna
____ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
____ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
____ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
____ Allah
____ Satan
____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
____ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
____ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
____ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
____ Yes
____ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
____ Not eternal
____ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
____ Not omniscient
____ Not omnipotent
____ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
____ Permits sex outside of marriage
____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
____ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
____ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
____ Looks after life other than that on Earth
____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
____ Requires burnt offerings
____ Requires virgin sacrifice
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
____ Indoctrinated by parents
____ Needed a reason to live
____ Indoctrinated by society
____ Needed focus in whom to despise
____ Needed focus in whom to love
____ Imaginary friend grew up
____ Hate to think for myself
____ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
____ Fear of death
____ Wanted to piss off parents
____ Wanted to please parents
____ Needed a day away from school or work
____ Like organ music
____ Need to feel morally superior
____ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
____ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
____ Shit was falling out of the sky
____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
____ Baal
____ The Almighty Dollar
____ Left Wing Liberalism
____ The Radical Right
____ Amon Ra
____ Beelzebub
____ Bill Gates
____ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
____ The Great Spirit
____ The Great Pumpkin
____ The Sun
____ The Moon
____ The Force
____ The Goa'uld
____ Cameron Diaz
____ Elvis
____ A burning shrub
____ Psychiatry
____ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
____ Tarot
____ Lottery
____ Astrology
____ Television
____ Fortune cookies
____ Ann Landers
____ Psychic Friends Network
____ Dianetics
____ Palmistry
____ Playboy and/or Playgirl
____ Self-help books
____ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
____ Biorhythms
____ Alcohol
____ Ayn Rand
____ Marijuana
____ Tea Leaves
____ Message Boards
____ Amway
____ Scientology
____ CompuServe
____ Mantras
____ Jimmy Swaggart
____ Crystals
____ Human sacrifice
____ Pyramids
____ Wandering around a desert
____ Insurance policies
____ Burning shrubbery
____ Barney T.B.P.D.
____ Barney Fife
____ None
____ Other:_____________________
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer? Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following
(1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His/Its followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf.
Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
____ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul.
____ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money.
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)